Michelle: I’m Michelle!

Heather: I’m Heather!

Nikkie: (running by with a pair of pants) I GOT THEM!

Zweig: Give those back.

Heather: Whoo hoo! Shake it!

Michelle: (sigh) Welcome back to G.S.I., the American Idol parody hosted by two perverts and a short blond.

Nikkie: Last round we introduced our contestants, the select members of the 108 stars of destiny we’re considering prepping for the game’s final battle.

Heather: First up, itty bitty Queen Knight apprentice, Lyon!

Lyon: I’m not that small!

Michelle: Next, Queen’s Knight, Georg Prime!

Georg: Hi.

Nikkie: The Oboro Detective ninja pair, Shi-kun and Sa-chan!

Shigure: I AM NOT “SHI-KUN”!

Sagiri and Oboro: Yes you are.

Michelle: (Eyes widen, quiet little squeal)

Heather: Hoo boy…

Michelle: Uhm… er, uhm… (tiny voice) Can I please have a business card? Please?

Heather: Why don’t you make her life and autograph it too, granpa?

Fuyo: The detective is not that old!

Heather: HOLY SHIT, HIME’S BEEN CLONED!

Nikkie: I want one too!

Oboro: I thought you hated me, Miss Nikkie.

Nikkie: You left me hanging for 20 hours. TWENTY HOURS!!!

Oboro: Ah, understandable how lacking my presence would anger you so.

Heather: …HE’S A DIRTY OLD MAN!

Fuyo: The detective isn’t dirty!

Oboro: Now, now, Miss Heather, I’m just being honest! It’s my middle name! And what self-respecting man wouldn’t try to play himself up in the presence of three such lovely ladies? (Winks at Michelle)

Michelle: (Turns red) x.x

Nikkie: You overloaded Mihime!

Heather: Ok, you’re still a dirty old man, but I like you now.

Nikkie: (Fanning Michelle) Ok, we gotta move on now.

Michelle: …what were we doing? Oh, right! Ok… who’s next?

Heather: Next is someone a little closer to my speed: the only useful member of the Lindwurm Mercenaries. The hot, young, and unfortunately gay Richard!

Richard: I’m not-

Mueller: I protest the thought that I am useless.

Nikkie: I protest the size of your nose. Get out of here, useless!

Wilhelm: (winks at Michelle) Hey, sweetheart, what are you doing after this parody?

Michelle: (shriek of terror) AHHH!!!!

Heather: GOODBYE, LINDWURM MERCENARY BRIGADE! MOVING ON!!

Zweig: I’m not doing this until I get my pants back.

Lorelai: (snickering) Who knew you were a briefs man?

Nikkie: I did! …after I stole his pants.

Heather: Nikkie, give the nice man his pants back.

Nikkie and Lorelai: He’s not nice!

Heather: OK, keep them then, see if I care.

Zweig: (shrugs) Fine, alright then. (stands there waiting)

(Poignant silence as all stare at Zweig in his undies)

Zweig: …OK, you’re creeping me out.

Heather: OK, Nikkie, give him his pants, this is way too distracting.

Nikkie: Awww, OK… (grudgingly returns pants)

Zweig: Thank you.

Nikkie: (pouts)

Heather: Anyway, meet the Suikoden V archeology team, Lorelai and Zweig.

Lorelai: (still snickering)

Zweig: So help me, I’ll walk into the female bath again, Lorelai.

Michelle: Next up, the bearer of the Star Rune, Zerase!

Zerase: Hmph.

Nikkie: And her third-person using spell-casting near equal, Eresh.

Eresh: Eresh welcomes the crazy-

Heather: NOT going through this again!

Nikkie: OK now, not including Princie-poo, we’ve got five slots available and nine characters in the running for the final party. So by the end of this parody, four characters will be cut. We’re going to say goodbye to two characters in this segment, and another two in the next, when we reveal our final party!

Michelle: We’ll be evaluating and cutting characters based on their level and ability 10 hours from the final battle of the game, for those of you watching.

Nikkie: And performing the cutting for us will be our good friend, Jason!

Jason: Grub.

Heather: How come Jason gets to make the cuts?

Nikkie: He’s got the most swords out of any of us.

Michelle: And it’s hard to hold note cards when your hands are stained in blood.

Heather: Ew. Overly graphic, but a good point nonetheless.

Michelle: We’re going to go down the list and evaluate all of the characters, saying why they were cut or why they’re staying. So Lyon, you’re up first!

Lyon: Eep!

Michelle: Lyon, at this point of the game, you’re still out of action because of Dolph’s attack. But because of your dutiful service to the Prince for the past 40-60 hours of gameplay, we’re not cutting you. You’ve still got a decently high attack and good rune capabilities, so just hurry up and get better, OK?

Lyon: Y-yes!

Nikkie: Sir Georg Prime, front and center!

Georg: (humoring her) Yes ma’am.

Nikkie: Georg, I’ll be honest with you: you kill lots of things. A lot. In a very quick and devastating manner. And I like that! But that doesn’t change the fact that you do down from a level one fire spell.

Heather: OUCH, low magic defense, Batman!

Nikkie: Yup, so here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to dip into the party SP a bit and max out your magic defense. It’s a little hard to accumulate your SP when you pop in and out of the party like you do, but we’ll see what we can do.

Georg: Yes, ma’am.

Nikkie: Good.

Heather: OK, Junior Detectives, you’re up!

Shigure: Let’s get this over with.

Heather: Shaggy, Daphne, you’re both ninjas, which automatically makes you cool. However…

Nikkie: DUH-DUH-DUHHHHHNNN!!

Heather: We’ve only got so many open spots, Shi-kun.

Shigure: I AM NOT “SHI-KUN”!

Heather: OK, Shaggy, whatever! Unfortunately, you and your dinky dagger can’t compare to other S-range fighters with larger pointy things.

Nikkie: (starts laughing like a moron)

Heather: Thank you for catching the innuendo, Nikkie.

Shigure: Great, now I can go back to napping.

Oboro: You mean “back to work”?

Shigure: …damn.

Heather: Well, Shi-kun, you’re officially the first person cut from Genso Suikoden Idol!! Congratulations! JASON!!

Jason: (launches himself at Shigure) WHOO-YA!

Michelle: O_O

Other Suikoden Characters: (Suddenly look VERY nervous… except Sagiri, who can only smiles sweetly)

Sagiri: Oh dear.

Heather: Sagiri, you get to remain because your high number of attacks per round and decent damage are wonderful in a L-range fighter. Congratulations!

Sagiri: Uhm… thanks?

Heather: OK, Richard, get your faerie ass over here!

Richard: (sighs, simply obeys)

Heather: Richard… I really can’t think of a bad thing to say about you, besides your lack of a rune affinity. You’re strong, you’re agile, you’re gay, you get to stay!

Richard: …Oh! Thank you! I won’t disappoint you all!

Heather: Too late, handsome, as your interests don’t fall towards my gender. Next!

Nikkie: Zweig and Lorelai! Come on up!

Zweig: At least I got my pants back.

Nikkie: …I’M SORRY!!!

Zweig and Lorelai: (jump back, startled)

Nikkie: Zweig, you’re smarmy and intelligent and well, really REALLY hot. But your staff, even when leveled up, doesn’t do very excessive damage. Your rune abilities are passable… but there are other characters that do both better.

Zweig: Finally! I never signed up for this whole army thing anyhow. Now I can get back to work.

Nikkie: You’re not mad at me?

Zweig: Not a bit.

Nikkie: Then can I have your pants back?

Zweig: …(just turns and leaves)

Jason: Do I get him?

Nikkie: NO! DO NOT MAR HIS PERFECT, FLAWLESS BODY! I’LL NEED THAT FOR LATER!!

Jason: …hentai Nikkie-chan.

Lorelai: Waitasec… then that means I have to…

Nikkie: Yup, you’re still in the running.

Lorelai: Damnit! If I stay and fight, Zweig will get ahead in his research and skip town.

Nikkie: Yes, but with your drain and lightning rune, fair speed and multiple attacks, you were the better choice.

Lorelai: DAMNIT!!

Heather: …She IS a little punk!

Michelle: Yup, and punks are often mistaken for Goths, like our next contestant, Zerase!

Zerase: I am not a goth.

Nikkie: Please don’t kill us.

Zerase: ?

Michelle: Zerase… we adore you for your ability to make it possible to beat boss battles in a single round.

Nikkie: So we don’t mind giving you all our best armor just to keep you alive from light physical damage! You’re staying for the next round!

Zerase: If it will bring me closer to removing the Sun Rune from unworthy hands, I accept.

Heather: She makes it sound like we were giving her a choice.

Michelle: (stage whisper) Don’t anger her, she could kill us all.

Nikkie: And last but not least, the mysterious priest-

Xellos: You called?

Nikkie: NO! Priestess! Eresh!! Get out of here, you poorly dubbed monster!

Michelle: O.O How did he get here?

Nikkie: GET HIM, JASON!!

Jason: With pleasure! (evil grin)

Eresh: …

Heather: Good, she’s silent. I didn’t want to have to deal with that whole ‘only speaks in 3rd person’ nonsense again.

Eresh: Eresh-

Heather: NO TALKING FOR YOU!

Nikkie: Eresh, you’re pretty darn close to Zerase when it comes to dealing damage. Gotta say, I’m a huge fan of your Pale Gate and Resurrection Rune combo. Plus, your recruitment quest buffed up everyone in ways that hours of aimless wandering couldn’t hope to achieve! So congratulations, you’ve made it to the second round!

Eresh: Eresh-

Michelle: Eresh, if you don’t shut up, I will kick you in the throat.

Nikkie: (falls over laughing)

Heather: And that’s about it for this installment. Rune in next time to see who is chosen, who is victimized by Jason and who is going to run away from the judges in terror. Coming up next, the final installment in this horrible, horrible parody.

Nikkie: It is pretty bad, isn’t it?

Heather: You’re the author, you should know.