Nikkie: Iiiii’m Nikkie!

Michelle: I’m Michelle!

Heather: I’m here for some reason! Why am I here?

Nikkie and Michelle: And this is… GENSO SUIKODEN IDOL!

Nikkie: It’s almost the end of Suikoden V, which means that if you’re a diligent gamer, you’ve got 108 characters recruited for your army and only six character spots available!

Michelle: Unless you’re Suikoden IV, the series’ mentally challenged redneck cousin and only get four.

Nicole: 108 is a really big number, so in order to maximize your party, we’re going to hold an American Idol parody with some of the most prominent characters you might be considering.

Heather: Why am I here again?

Nikkie: We needed someone who’s good at ridiculing others.

Heather: Then I’m your woman!

Michelle: We considered making the Prince our co-host, but that wouldn’t work since he’s a mute hero.

Prince: …

Michelle: See?

Heather: He’s prettier than I am.

Nikkie: Yea that happens sometimes. Anyways-

Heather: (coaxing) Here, bishie, bishie…

Nikkie: Our first contestant-

Heather: I hear you give good hugs, Princie-poo…

Nikkie: The Gremio to our Prince’s Tir McDohl…

Michelle: Er…

Nikkie: Lyon.

Lyon: Get away from his highness the Prince!

Heather: She’s itty-bitty…

Michelle: Lyon is a Queen’s Knight apprentice and the bodyguard of the Prince. She’s loyal almost to the point of smothering.

Lyon: I’m not smo-

Michelle: She’s an M-range fighter with a well-balanced set of stats, leaning only slightly towards strength. For the first 40 hours or so of the game, she’s attached to the Prince’s hip, whether you like it or not.

Lyon: I don’t-!

Heather: Hey, I’m not blaming you! In fact, I give you props! Good work!

Michelle: Currently, Lyon’s character in the game is recuperating from a brutal attack from the Nether Gate assassination organization. Good luck, Lyon, we all look forward to your recovery and rejoining the usable characters.

Lyon: (Flustered, is escorted off stage)

Nikkie: Next up on the block is a character as familiar as Lyon, but less present throughout the game. He’s spent the majority of the game avoiding the blame for killing Queen Arshtat by working behind the scenes, but he’s finally back as a usable character. Please welcome, Sir Georg Prime!

Georg: (enters)

Michelle: Uhm, Nikkie, it’s a bit more complicated then-

Heather: Gee, AURON, you’re looking well!

Georg: …(laughs)

Nikkie: Georg is one of the most damaging characters in the game, an S-range sword user. Also to his benefit, this is his 2nd appearance in a Suikoden, his first being way back in Suikoden 2, which… actually happens 30 years after Suikoden 5.

Heather: 30 years?? And you’re still alive and kicking ass! Good for you! I’m sure that this will mean Nikkie will one day cosplay as you; she seems to dig your type of character.

Nikkie: (shakes head) Next!

Michelle: Our next two participants both work as members of the Oboro Detective Agency: Shigure and Sagiri! Yay!

Nikkie: (grumbles)

Shigure: What a pain.

Sagiri: Hello.

Michelle: Shi-kun and Sa-chan formed the Oboro Detective Agency with Detective Oboro after Nether Gate was disbanded by Queen Arshtat. They both travel around Falena in a boat solving mysteries. Shi-kun is a S-range knife fighter and Sa-chan is a L-range character using kunai, or throwing daggers.

Shigure: Did she just call me “Shi-kun”?

Sagiri: I think it’s cute…

Nikkie: (evil grin) They’re one member short of being the cast of Scooby Doo.

Heather: Do they have a talking animal?

Nikkie: Oboro has an army of rodents that help in his investigations.

Heather: Sweet.

Shigure: I am not “Shi-kun.”

Sagiri: You will be once the detective hears.

Michelle: I’ll be the fifth member! Me me! You think the detective would have a use for a short cute blond girl?

Nikkie: Hime, he hired Fuyo! I think the answer is obvious.

Michelle: (Beams)

Shigure: Hey, sparkles! I am not “Shi-kun”!

Nikkie: BITE ME, SHAGGY!

Shigure: SCREW OFF, WENCH!

Heather: (raises eyebrow)

Michelle: (off in daydream land)

Nikkie: You should have joined my party before hour 40, you lazy bum!

Shigure: Who’d wanna join your party, you old hag!

Heather: That’s it, guys, freak out and leave the one person NOT playing the game in charge. Thank you, ninja people, MOVING ON! (picks up note card) Next up, the only member of the Lindwurm Mercenary Brigade who… isn’t completely worthless? Whatever. Here comes Richard.

Richard: Hello. Is Mueller here?

Heather: Damned if I know, kid, ask the gamer girls when they stop daydreaming and picking fights with ninjas. I’m working strictly from note cards. Ok, Rich, it says here you’re the only readily available mercenary to help out Princey-poo. Where are the rest of the mercs?

Richard: Oh Wilhelm and Mueller are too busy to be involved in non-military battles. I’m more than happy to take care of these things for them.

Nikkie and Michelle: BULLSHIT!

Richard: (confused) Excuse me?

Michelle: Wilhelm spends all day hanging out on the ground level of the castle, harassing the cute girls that walk by with Gavaya, doesn’t he? Doesn’t he?

Nikkie: And Mueller just sits in the basement like some punk emo goth kid, accusing everyone and everything of being intellectually inferior to himself and looking down his GIANT BEAK NOSE!!

Richard: What? No you don’t understand-

Nikkie and Michelle: ADMIT IT! THEY’RE BOTH WORTHLESS!

Heather: (smirking) Man, I haven’t seen you two so upset since Suikoden 4 was released.

Nikkie: Urgh, that game…

Michelle: (twitches) Rita-pon…

Heather: I love being evil.

Richard: ???

Heather: Anywho, Rich, it says here you’re an S-range sword user like Georg. How long have you been a merc?

Richard: Oh ever since I met Mueller! I want to be just like him one day!

Heather: Uh huh, well I think Nikkie and Michelle have calmed down enough to take over again, so thank you very much and goodbye!

Richard: Bye!

Michelle: I think we channeled Egbert there…

Nikkie: Hey, you’ve got to release the anger or else you’ll explode! It happens to me sometimes…

Heather: That boy is gayer than a monkey on laughing gas.

Nikkie: Duly noted. Next is my personal bishie for the game: Zweig!!

Zweig: Is this going to take long?

Heather: Wow, a smart buff guy with glasses. Nikkie, you have a sick sad nerd fetish.

Nikkie: (heart)

Michelle: Zweig is an archeologist researching the ancient advanced Sindar race. He gets dragged into the conflict in Falena by Lucretia, the Prince’s tactician.

Heather: So first we had Scooby Doo wanna-be’s and now it’s an Indiana Jones impersonator.

Zweig: Bite me.

Heather: Ooo, another feisty one!

Nikkie: DIBS!

Zweig: Ladies, please don’t fight over me.

Heather: We’re not gonna, she called dibs. Besides, there are 108 more of you, I’m sure I’ll find one I like better.

Zweig: Whatever, let’s get this waste of time over with.

Michelle: Zweig, in addition to being a smarmy little brat, is an M-range master of staff fighting and a decently average rune user.

Heather: (starts laughing) C’mon, really, what man DOESN’T claim to be a master of ‘the staff’?

Nikkie: (deep sigh) Well, it’ll be a sacrifice, but I’m willing to take one for the team and confirm or deny that claim.

Zweig: I’m out of here. You’re all insane.

Nikkie: Awww… hey, get back here and take off your pants! Sheesh, what a prude. I threatened to do WAY more perverse stuff to Auron and he never bitched out.

Heather: Given Auron’s popularity, Nikkie, you probably were neither the first nor the last. He was probably desensitized.

Michelle: Next up, Zweig’s archrival who he really doesn’t even acknowledge: another familiar Suikoden face, Lorelai!

Lorelai: Where did that bastard go?

Heather, Nikkie, Michelle: …(point)

Lorelai: (stomps off following Zweig)

Nikkie: …Lorelai is an M-range whip user proficient with lightning magic.

Heather: And apparently, a little punk.

Michelle: And speaking of people who are habitually angry, our next guest is the surly bearer of the star rune, Zerase!

Zerase: I am not surly.

Nikkie: Zerase’s star rune is the most destructive rune in Suikoden 5 and her L-range needle isn’t too shabby either. If you’re looking to knock out a boss in a single round of combat… often… Zerase is a necessity!

Zerase: None of you posses a true rune. I’ll take my leave.

Heather: Antisocial bitch. I like her already.

Nikkie: And our final contestant is no slouch when it comes to magic either. She posses both a Pale Gate rune and a Resurrection rune that can damage or heal! Recruiting her also removes the need to recruit that pansy-ass sissy boy Euram Barows. Please welcome Eresh!

Eresh: Eresh returns greetings to the crazy ladies forcing us to participate in this parody.

Heather: Well, she’s got our number.

Nikkie: Can’t argue there.

Michelle: Eresh is a M-range staff user. She is useless as a fighter, but with her multitude of spells in just about every level of spell craft, you’ll hardly ever need to use her for physical combat anyways.

Eresh: Eresh is pleased to use Eresh’s abilities for the bearer of the Dawn Rune. Eresh hopes that her performance will impress the crazy ladies forcing us to participate in this parody as it has the bearer of the Dawn Rune.

Heather: …does she ever refer to anyone but herself by their given name?

Nikkie and Michelle: No.

Heather: OK then!

Michelle: Tune in next time to see who gets eliminated on our first round of…

Nikkie, Heather and Michelle: GENSO SUIKODEN IDOL!

Nikkie: Now pardon me, I’ve got to see an archeologist about a pair of pants!